Thoughts

It's been two days now, what a whirlwind of activities and emotions. I really don't know if anyone is still reading this, but I'd thought I'd share a few feelings and thoughts.

It's hard to lose your mom. I miss the person she used to be, and the kind person she was on many occasions even after descending into dementia.

We all know she had challenges being blunt and hurtful on occasion. I think it's possible that most of us have been hurt at times over the years. Sometimes I've harbored resentments over these hurts. But as I've really examined her life, and the positive things she's done, I've decided to forgive her for mistakes she's made, and emphasize in my life and memories the good things she has given me, and us. She has been a really faithful person, despite her emotional challenges. She faced years of depression and anxiety, and yet, how many times has she told us "Listen to the spirit of the Lord." "Pray." I am so thankful for her testimony. She listened to me many times, she extended sympathy and assistance often. So many times she gave me positive feedback, probably far more times than the opposite. I remembered last night, as I covered up Lisa as she slept on our family room couch, so many times that Mom did the same thing for me, even as an adult.

Well, I don't want to lapse into the talk I'm giving on Saturday. But yes, she was not a perfect parent. Or grandparent. Sometimes she was judgmental. But bottom line, I really think she tried as hard as she could, so I choose to accept her as she was, forgive her mistakes, and love and appreciate all the good she did. She gave us SO much! I hope with all of my heart my children will apply this philosophy to me, to forgive me for my mistakes, to learn from what I've done wrong, and right. I'm sure my children will want the same from their children, and so on.

I miss her. And I'm looking forward to getting to know the person that is REALLY her, before the dementia, behind the depression. I think we will find a truly amazing person. I'm looking forward to that.

Good night, and see you later, Mom!